


Ashes to Ashes, Stardust to Stardust

by headfirstfrhalos



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Ableist Language, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Death, Bugs & Insects, Bullying, Childhood, Crack Treated Seriously, High School, Homecoming Dance, Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Lives, Physical Disability, Reincarnation, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-02 10:45:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11507787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/headfirstfrhalos/pseuds/headfirstfrhalos
Summary: The moth was like a creature fallen from the moon, covered with pure white fur and speckled with grey, with small, soft wings that rested against its abdomen and round, black eyes that stared up at him from its place on the windowsill. Its feathery antennae twitched.He ought to name it.





	1. 1996

Tyler sat at his windowsill, knees tucked up to his shoulders as he stared at the night sky. The late summer air was warm, and a light breeze rustled the loose sleeves of his pajama shirt. The full moon hung fat and low in the sky, round and yellow and quickly rising into the night.

There was a flutter of wings in the forefront of his vision, and he startled back. A moth had landed on his windowsill. It was nothing like the dusty brown moths that found their way into the pantry and his closet. The moth was like a creature fallen from the moon, covered with pure white fur and speckled with grey, with small, soft wings that rested against its abdomen and round, black eyes that stared up at him from its place on the windowsill. Its antennae twitched.

Tyler brought his face close in awe as he studied it. The moth paused its crawling and seemed to regard Tyler. Then it began grooming its antennae. Tyler watched the feathery appendage bend beneath its forelimbs, as deliberate and careful as someone brushing their hair.

Tyler held out a finger to the moth. It paused its grooming and looked at him. It crawled onto his hand. He felt the tickle of its tiny feet as it brushed against his skin, approaching his wrist. Tyler leaned back to observe it from afar.

“Hello,” he whispered to it. He wasn’t sure how sensitive a moth’s hearing was, but he was sure it could hear him perfectly fine.

“Hello,” Tyler whispered again, imagining that the moth was answering him.

“What’s your name?”

“My name is--” Tyler thought of a name-- “Josh. I’m a moth.”

It wasn’t the perfect name for a moth, but it was the only thing he could think of at the moment and it was a better name than the ladybug he had named Macaroni.

“My name’s Tyler. I’m a human. I’m starting second grade tomorrow.”

“I’ve never gone to school before. Is it fun?”

“The homework isn’t. Do you want to come with me?”

The door opened behind him. His mother entered, quiet in socked feet.

“Tyler? You need to go to bed. School starts tomorrow.”

“I know, Momma.”

He stood up, careful not to disturb the hand Josh was perched on in order to not disturb him. His mother noticed the moth.

“Tyler, what’s that in your hand?”

“It’s a moth,” he said, holding it up for her to see. She recoiled and stepped back.

“No, no, keep that away from me,” she said. “Tyler, you need to let that bug go. It’s gonna eat your shirts if you keep it in here. Remember what happened the last time?”

Josh wasn’t the first moth he had let into his room. The last one had eaten a hole through his most favorite shirt, the one he got at the museum in downtown. It had eaten right through the design on the front, leaving a big, gaping tear that couldn’t be fixed. He cried when they threw it out. He was pretty sure that his kind didn’t eat clothes, though. He couldn’t even see a mouth on him, though that didn’t mean much through all the fluff.

“He’s not the same kind of moth,” Tyler said. “He’s okay. Look, he’s soft.”

“Let him go.”

Tyler sighed and complied. He set his hand down on the windowsill, encouraging his new friend to crawl off his hand. When Josh didn’t leave, he blew a gentle gust of air to encourage him. After a few moments, Josh finally complied, sitting still on the sill, refusing to fly away.

“Go,” Tyler said.

Josh didn’t leave. His mother hummed.

“I’m sure it’ll leave if you go away,” she said. “Come on now, you need to brush your teeth.”

The moth was still there when he tucked himself into bed.

“Good night, Josh,” he whispered.

He dreamed about the Moon, pale and round and accepting as Tyler ran through the empty streets of Columbus, snow falling without clouds and catching the light of the street lamps as they fell.

Josh was still there when he woke up the next morning. He wasn’t in the middle of the sill where he had been last night, but tucked up in a shadowy corner, asleep. Tyler noticed him once he had changed his clothes.

“You’re still here,” Tyler said.

“I didn’t want to leave you,” Tyler replied.

Tyler smiled.

He ate breakfast and immediately returned upstairs to Josh. He had crawled down the wall and was attempting to climb the leg of his desk. He lost his grip and fell to the ground. That was odd. Josh didn’t know how to fly. Carefully, Tyler picked him up from the carpet and set him down on top of his desk. Tyler sat down and laid his head on the table, watching Josh crawl around.

“Can’t you fly?” Tyler asked.

“No, I can’t.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll help you move around.”

“Thank you, Tyler. I’m not like the other moths. I’m more like you, because I have to walk everywhere.”

“Do you like me?”

Josh stretched his wings. “Yeah.”

Tyler smiled at him, extending a finger towards the moth, who touched it with a front leg.

His mother knocked on his closed door. “Tyler, are you up? You need to get ready for school.”

“Okay, Momma!”

He looked at Josh and wondered where he could keep him. He had a jar full of seashells. He opened the jar and dumped out its pitiful contents on his desk. He shook it to make sure it was clean, and then held it out to Josh.

He gently brought his finger closer to Josh to get him in, and he turned, crawling down into the jar. Nice.

“Can I come to school with you, Tyler?” Josh asked.

Tyler thought for a moment, listening to his mother bustling about downstairs.

“I don’t know,” he said. “My mom’s not too happy about you. I’ll have to hide you, and I’ll come back. Is that okay?”

“I guess, but I’ll miss you.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll come back to you at three.”

Tyler couldn’t take his mind off of Josh at school, distracted enough that he didn’t feel any despair that he had to be around his classmates again. He was lucky that there was no real work assigned on the first day. He hoped Josh had enough air.

He raced back upstairs when he got home. He opened the closet door where he had hidden Josh and pulled out the jar, opening the top so that he could breathe.

Josh was sitting in the bottom of the jar, looking a little lonely. Tyler had brought some twigs and leaves from his backyard, and now he took Josh out to place the vegetation inside the jar so he would have something to crawl on. Josh waited patiently on his shoulder as Tyler arranged and rearranged the leaves, wanting to get it perfect. He got it right after a few tries and showed it to Josh.

“Is this good?” Tyler asked.

Josh crawled down his shirt sleeve and onto his arm, stopping on his forearm.

“I love it,” Josh said.

“Do you want to go inside?”

“I want to stay with you for a little while.”

“Okay, stay on my shoulder.”

“How was school?”

Tyler sighed and leaned back until he was leaning against his bed. “It was good,” he said. “I was getting kinda bored of summer, but I don’t want to talk to everyone again.”

“What’s wrong with them?”

“I don’t know,” Tyler said. “They’re just kinda… mean, sometimes.”

“Do they beat you up?”

“No, no, they just don’t like me. They yell at me for being weird.”

Tyler felt the faint brush of antennae on the skin beneath his ear.

“I don’t think you’re weird, Tyler.”

“Thank you. I think they hate me, though.”

“I’m sorry. You should take me to school tomorrow so I can say something to them.”

“That would be nice.”

“Doesn’t your teacher notice when they do that to you, though?”

Tyler shrugged with his left shoulder, the one without the moth. “She doesn’t think it’s anything bad. Mostly because she agrees with all the other kids. She doesn’t like bugs.”

“That makes me sad.”

“Me too.”

“Insects are very important. Did you know that life on Earth would not be possible without us?”

“Really?”

“Yes. We pollinate plants and eat dead things and do all sorts of things that keep the Earth going. You know better than those other kids, Tyler. You know that we’re important.”

“Thanks. Do you want to watch a movie?”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a moving picture that tells a story.”

“That sounds fun.”

Tyler set Josh down on his desk while he lugged the small TV from his parents’ closet to his room. He pulled out his basket of assorted DVDs from beneath his bed and tried to decide what they would both like. Eventually he settled on _Lilo and Stitch._

“This one’s my favorite,” he said to Josh as he inserted the DVD. He always made sure to carefully handle the discs so that they wouldn’t scratch, and none of the discs in his collection had acquired one so far, a fact that Tyler was very proud of and would mention to anyone who asked.

Tyler fumbled with the remote and got the movie playing. He retrieved Josh from the desk and carefully arranged his arms so that Josh could see while also preserving Tyler’s comfort.

Tyler still cried no matter how many times he watched the film. Josh sat patiently on his arm, occasionally shifting about but still not trying to get away. Tyler wasn’t sure how much Josh was able to understand, but he was glad that the moth seemed to like it. He didn’t say a word the entire time.

The sun had set by the time the movie was over. Josh began to crawl off his arm and onto his knee, and Tyler set him on top of the jar’s lid as he cleaned up, stretching his body and working out the kinks that had developed in his spine. His mother was going to call him for dinner any minute now.

“I liked that movie, Tyler.”

“Thanks. I like it ‘cause Lilo was lonely like me. Then she got a friend. Like me!”

“I even have antennae. Hopefully no one tries to take me away.”

“I’m sure they won’t.”

* * *

His mother walked him to the bus stop the next morning. Josh remained hidden in his backpack. He took careful steps so not to jostle him.

“I’ll see you after school,” his mother said, kissing the top of his head. “Tell me how it goes.”

“Bye, Momma.”

She was gone, and now Tyler could free Josh.

He seemed no worse for wear when he pulled him out of his backpack. He sat down on the sidewalk as he waited for the bus, setting the jar down in front of him. Josh crawled around the sides of the jar. Tyler could see his six legs moving in sync. Insects were not stupid like everyone else said. They knew how to walk and climb with six legs, and most people he knew barely knew how to use the two they had.

“Are we at school yet?”

“No, Josh. I’m waiting for the bus. It’ll take us there and then we’ll go to class.”

“What do you learn there?”

“All kinds of things. Math, English, history, science. Science is my favorite. We’re learning about the Solar System right now.”

“You mean the Moon?”

“Yeah, the Moon’s a part of the Solar System. It’s not a planet, though.”

“It’s beautiful. Can you tell me more about it?”

Josh was grooming his antennae again. Tyler hoped that meant he was listening.

The bus arrived and Tyler stood up, brushing off his shorts and picking up the jar. He waved to the bus driver, Ms. Davis, before taking a seat in the middle. He was one of the first kids in the bus, and for now, the place was entirely empty save for Pete, who sat all the way in the back. He was asleep.

“Okay, so the Moon doesn’t make its own light. It only shines because it reflects the Sun’s light.

“Really? I thought it shone by itself.”

“Nope, sorry.”

“Why does it change shapes? Why are there nights where the Moon doesn’t show up?”

“It changes shapes because it rotates around the Earth. Remember how I said the Moon shines because of light from the Sun? Well, the Earth’s shadow sometimes gets in the way and no light can hit it. That’s called a New Moon.”

“Wow. They taught you that in school?’

Tyler shrugged. “Most of it. The rest I found in a book.”

“Hi, Tyler. Why are you talking to that jar?”

Tyler looked up. There was Jenna, sitting down in the bench across from him. Her hair was pulled into another one of her mother’s too-tight ponytails and the tooth she had lost last year had grown back over the summer.

“I found a moth,” Tyler said. Even at the age of seven, he knew not to talk too much about the insects he befriended. People got uncomfortable and didn’t want to talk to him anymore. It wasn’t like kindergarten anymore. Elementary school was serious business.

“Really? Don’t let it out.”

Tyler knew that a lot of other boys would have opened the lid and waved the jar at her to make her screech and shrink away, but he didn’t want to do that because neither Josh or Jenna deserved that and frankly, bullying wasn’t funny anyways.

“I won’t,” he said, securing the jar between his legs. The glass was cold against his knees. The bus drove over a pothole.

The bus slowly filled. Jenna’s friends arrived and now they ignored him. Pete’s group boarded and instantly made the bus three times rowdier. Tyler edged closer to the window. Someone would eventually sit next to him. He’d be happier alone, but he’d still feel rejected somehow if no one thought him worthy to share a seat with them.

At least he had Josh.

The bus came to a stop in front of his school. He clutched the jar in both hands as he made his way to his class. The familiar smell of cleaner, scratch and sniff stickers, and new paper met his nose.

He plucked a few more leaves and sticks from the yard before he went to class. No one noticed him kneeling near the dirt, carefully opening the jar, throwing out the old leaves, and arranging the new ones so that they wouldn’t disturb his friend. He went to class, fingers smudged with dirt, and sat down. It was entirely empty except for his teacher, who gave him a nod of acknowledgement before going back to organizing her papers for the day.

“Hey, Tyler, what’s in the jar?”

There was Kirk, the boy who sat across from him at his table. Tyler didn’t think he hated Kirk, that was too strong a word, but he was loud and Tyler was quiet and he was never sure if he was joking or not whenever he talked to him.

“’S a moth,” he mumbled. “His name’s Josh.”

“Can I see?”

Tyler was hesitant to give Josh over to someone like Kirk, but he knew he’d be reprimanded for not wanting to share. He slid the jar across his desk, small hands lingering on the glass for as long as he could. Kirk picked up the jar and Tyler’s chest seized up uncomfortably.

“Where is it?”

“Uh, maybe under the leaves. I’m not sure. Moths only wake up at night, so he might just be asleep.”

Kirk shook the jar, disturbing Tyler’s setup. He bit the inside of his cheek and curled his fingers into his palm, kneading the soft flesh nervously.

“There it is,” he said, spotting Josh crawling up the side, disturbed. “Wow, it’s big.”

“I’m not sure what kind of moth he is. I’ve never seen one like him before.”

“Let’s show the teacher. Ms. Summers!”

Ms. Summers didn’t like insects. Her mouth curled into a distasteful shape while still trying to seem polite. She jumped back when Josh’s wings twitched.

“He’s harmless,” Tyler said softly, though he was sure neither of them heard him.

“Looks like a silk moth,” she finally said. “Go to the library later and ask Mr. Kim for some books about them. For now, just don’t make a ruckus with the moth, okay? You can keep it on your desk, but don’t look at it and don’t let anyone else play with it.”

“Okay.”

Kirk gave Josh back. Tyler could barely hold back his sigh of relief. He kept Josh in the center of his desk, far from the dangerous corners or the exposed intersection of the four desks. Josh crawled under a leaf and went still.

“I’m going to hide under here,” he said. “I’ll listen to the teacher. Don’t let that kid touch me again. I was taking a nap.”

“Okay, Josh.”

Kirk glanced over at him and gave him a funny look. He didn’t say anything.

Frankly, Tyler was just glad that he wasn’t in middle school, where he would have six different classes to explain Josh to. The fact that Josh was nocturnal and didn’t want to come out proved to be a problem, though. Most of the kids in his class weren’t satisfied until they caught a glimpse of the moth, and Tyler worried that Josh was getting tired.

By the time it was ten, Ms. Summers had enough. She approached Tyler while they were all working on their addition, her tall frame looming over his tiny desk. She meant to be stealthy, but everyone noticed and looked up from their work to watch.

“Tyler,” she said, whispering. Her breath smelled cold and sweet. “I want you to get rid of that bug during recess. No one’s focusing.”

“No,” Tyler said. “He’s my friend.”

“Listen, Tyler, I know it’s hard not having friends, but this is just causing more problems for all of us. Make the grown-up decision and let him go once you’re outside. Insects belong outside.”

“Please?” he asked, not caring that he was resorting to begging. “I’ve only had him since yesterday and I really, really want to keep him. Please.”

Ms. Summers sighed. “Then I’m keeping him on my desk for the rest of the day. You can have him during recess and lunch, and when you’re going home, but not when we’re working. Is that fair?”

It wasn’t, but Tyler knew he didn’t have a choice. “Yeah.”

She took the jar and placed it on her desk, and Tyler spent the next hour staring at Josh from afar.

He got him back for recess. He retreated into the library with him, clutching him close to his chest.

The insect aisle was small, but he was able to find a few books on silk moths. The books had plenty of pictures of moths, many of which looked exactly like Josh.

He was right in guessing that Josh was male. Apparently, it was the feathery antennae that distinguished them. He was glad he didn’t have to rename him. He’d gotten attached to the name.

He also discovered that they were flightless due to being bred for their silk, not for their wings. Tyler looked at Josh, grooming his body as he perched on a twig. He felt a little sad. He had wings but couldn’t fly. Tyler couldn’t fly, but at least he didn’t have wing that reminded him that he couldn’t.

 _Bombyx mori_ didn’t have mouths. Their only purpose after emerging from the cocoon was to find a mate. After that, they would only have a few days to live. Tyler looked over at Josh in dismay. How old was he? How long would he have to live?

“Don’t worry, Tyler,” Josh said. “To moths, a week is a very long time. You’ll take care of me for the rest of it, will you?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t worry about death. It’s the first step towards something new.”

“Like heaven?”

“Yes, in a way. Did you ever read _Charlotte’s Web_?”

“Yeah.”

“Even though Charlotte’s gone, Wilbur still had her daughters to remember her by. It’s like that. You’ll always have your friends, even when they’re gone for good.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“You’ll understand.”

Tyler didn’t, frankly.

“I want to know now.”

“Alright. Did anyone ever tell you that your soul is not a part of your body?”

“Yeah. I learned that at church.”

“Well, when we die, our souls don’t go to Heaven. They go into seeds and into babies. They forget their last lives and make new memories as a new creature.”

“Is that going to happen to me?”

“To everyone.”

“Do I get to choose?”

“Yes, and that’s what makes it so great. You can be a tree, or a mayfly, or anything you want that you can see is about to be born.”

“I wonder what my grandpa became.”

“Whatever he is, he’s still in this world. Don’t miss him like he’s gone. And when I die, don’t miss me like I’m gone forever, too.”

“Okay.”

Tyler opened the lid of the jar and rested a finger inside. Josh reached out and climbed onto his hand. He spent the rest of recess sitting on the floor of the library, surrounded by opened books, holding Josh close to his face and absorbing his every detail before it could be wiped away by time.

Coming back to class felt like walking into another universe. Tyler felt the solemn weight of what Josh had imparted on him making his footfalls slow and deliberate, while everyone else was light and giddy from running around on the playset.

“You look sad, Tyler,” Amy said, sitting down next to him. Kirk and Devon took their seats across from him.

“I’m okay.”

“It’s about the moth, isn’t it?”

“How did you know?”

“You’re always playing with them. Did it die?”

“No. Stop asking me about Josh.”

“You named it?” she asked, a mean smile growing on her face.

Tyler had no way to defend himself except through honesty. “Of course I did. He’s my friend.”

“Yeah, okay.”

She turned away and ignore him. She was talking to her best friend Nicole, who sat in the table next to theirs. Tyler wondered what it was like having a best friend like that, someone you could tell everything to and know that it would be okay. Tyler figured that Josh was the closest thing he had.

Josh’s jar was too close to the edge. Tyler didn’t know if Ms. Summers did it on purpose, but as she got out of her seat to demonstrate something on the board, her hand swept too wide and knocked the jar off her desk. The glass broke in an elegant tinkle, and leaves and twigs spilled everywhere. The kids in the front row shrieked and leaped back, panicking when they saw the moth, screaming for the teacher to kill it.

Terrified, Tyler leaped out of his seat to rescue Josh. He cursed being placed in the back. By the time he managed to reach the jar, Josh had crawled out from the mess and towards Ginny’s desk. She screamed and leaped up on top of her desk. Marvin, who had been in love with her since preschool, stepped forward valiantly to try and protect her from the moth.

“Don’t kill him! Don’t kill him, Marvin!”

He came in the way of Marvin’s shoe and held him in place by his ankle, muscles shaking as he tried to bring his foot down.

“Tyler, let me go!” he shouted.

“Don’t kill him!” he pleaded. “He’s just a moth! What did he do to you? How would you feel if someone just stepped on you because they thought you were dirty?”

“It’s a _moth_!” Marvin argued. “They _are_ dirty! You are too! You’re always playing in the mud!”

He managed to push Tyler away, and by the time Tyler recovered, Marvin’s shoe was on the ground.

Marvin pulled his foot away, and everything was still. Tyler stared at Josh’s tiny, crushed body on the blue linoleum. His wings were pressed flat at an unnatural angle. His greyish-green insides were splattered from the burst shell of his body. He didn’t even twitch.

Ms. Summers’s hands were suddenly on his shoulders and he came back to himself. He realized that his heart was racing and his face was wet with tears. Ashamed, he wiped them away and took a deep, shaky breath.

“Marvin, go clean it up. Danny, Jolene, help him. Are you okay, Tyler?”

Tyler stuttered out an unintelligible response. He didn’t even know what he was supposed to say.

“Now calm down, okay? It’s okay. It was just a moth.”

“He wasn’t!” Tyler protested, mind suddenly clear. “He was my _friend_.”

More tears came down and he realized how loud he had shouted. The entire class had their eyes on him, and he hid his face in his hands. He wanted to sink through the floor until he disappeared.

He stared as Marvin cleaned Josh’s body up with a tissue and placed it in the trash. I need to bury him, he suddenly thought.

“You’re weird,” Marvin said as he passed by him.

Ms. Summers smoothed a hand over his head, and her warm hand should have been comforting, but Tyler just felt cold.

“Now go back to your seat, okay? I need to call the janitor to clean up this glass. I hope you’ve learned your lesson about bringing insects to school. Don’t do it again.”

Tyler did as he was told and stared at the whiteboard. Everyone at his table kept a wary eye on him.

“I think Marvin’s right, you know,” Devon said, and Tyler glared at him. “It was pretty gross.”

“Leave me alone.”

Tyler folded his arms and hid his head on his desk. He didn’t do any of the work Ms. Summers put on his desk and she didn’t say anything. He took the classwork home along with his homework. He could turn it in tomorrow.

He kept his eyes trained on the ground as he walked home from the bus stop. His mother noticed that he seemed down.

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“Ms. Summers called me today. She said that you brought that moth to school.”

“I did.”

“I told you to get rid of it. Look at what happened. You scared the whole class.”

“I know.”

“I hope you learned your lesson today. You’re too old to be playing with bugs anymore anyways.”

Tyler was tired of learning lessons. He just wanted Josh back, and to be in bed.

“Okay, Momma.”

He went upstairs and dumped his backpack on the ground. There was the windowsill, seeming entirely mundane in the late afternoon light.

He collapsed onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling for a long, long time.


	2. 2004

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some homophobic language. skip the first few paragraphs of the PE scene if you don't want to see it.

There was a new kid in school. This in itself wasn't unusual. Columbus was a big city, and people came and went, even in a small private school. 

It was his legs that drew not-stares from his classmates. He walked with the aid of forearm crutches and black plastic braces wrapped over his jeans. The pads of his crutches made small, rhythmic clicks as he entered homeroom, holding his schedule between his teeth.

“Is this Mr. Lydon’s room?” he asked, paper rustling as he spoke. 

His name was Josh, and he had moved in from Los Angeles early last June. He was quiet, retiring to the seat in the back next to Tyler. He leaned his crutches against the side of his desk as he stiffly maneuvered himself into the tight seat. He glanced over at Tyler and gave a little half smile, showing off a glinting lip ring before going over his schedule.

Tyler tuned out Mr. Lyndon’s speech. It was the same every year, and this was the third time he’s heard it. He wasn’t missing anything. He kept his eyes on his desk, but they kept wandering over to the boy next to him.

It had nothing to do with his legs. Tyler hoped to God that Josh didn’t think he was staring because of that. It was his _face_. He was beautiful. He had high cheekbones and feathery eyebrows, his pink lower lip bisected by a silver ring. His eyes and hair were the same shade of inky black, eyes lidded and hair falling in shiny rivulets. In contrast, his skin was like new ivory, peppered with what Tyler suspected were freckles, beginning at the bridge of his strong nose and continuing past his collarbones, the rest of them hidden by his shirt. His pale ears laid flat against his head like the wings of a shy moth, black plugs in the lobes like eyespots. His nails were painted white, applied neatly but chewed off at the tips, his fingers quick and capable as they tapped out a rhythm with a brand-new pencil. One of his feet steadily twitched in time to the beat of the pencil.

Tyler folded his arms and hid his head. _Man._

It turned out that Josh shared most of his classes with him. He was as quiet in his other periods as he was in homeroom and Tyler wondered if he had any friends. He certainly didn’t.

He got his chance a few days later. Ms. Ward was going on another of her rants about how disorganized the administrative office was.

“Is she always like this?” Josh asked, leaning over to whisper to Tyler. Class would be over in fifteen minutes, and they had not done a whit of work since class had started.

“Yeah. Be grateful. We don’t do anything in this class. If she’s not looking at you, you can do work for other classes.”

“Oh, cool.”

Josh reached into his backpack and pulled out an alarmingly large pile of worksheets.

“Woah.”

“Not all of it’s from school,” Josh said. “Some of it’s just stuff I do on my own. For fun, y’know?”

Josh willingly subjected himself to self-assigned homework. And _enjoyed_ it. Tyler was sitting next to a god.

“What are you studying?” Tyler asked. He peered over at Josh’s papers, and was terrified to see physics equations.

“Physics. It’s always been a dream of mine to work for NASA,” he explained, “and I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger, but, uh.”

He gestured at his legs. Tyler nodded.

“That happened. So I think it’s more realistic that I set my sights on working in JPL or ground control.”

“Even working on the ground is pretty amazing,” Tyler said. “All I want to do is be a basketball player. I’m not good at much else, if I’m gonna be honest.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, uh, wait, what’s your name? I never got it.”

“Tyler.”

“Tyler. Hope you go pro. I’d like to see you on TV.”

Tyler was actually going to crash and burn in a few years, but he didn’t want Josh to know that so he steered the conversation back towards him.

“So where are you getting the work from? Is it just stuff you printed out or is it from some program?”

“Stuff I’ve printed out. NASA’s internship programs are usually more hands-on. I’m just doing this stuff for my grades so it’ll look better. It’ll help me get to where I want to be.”

“Nice. Good luck on that.”

“Thanks.”

Josh flipped through a packet. Tyler tore his gaze away to stare out a window, his teacher's voice nothing but a creaky backdrop to the cloudy day outside. A moth trapped inside the classroom rammed itself against the glass, unable to understand why, despite its best efforts, it could not free itself.

“Hey, where do you normally eat for lunch?” Tyler asked.

“In here.”

“Want to sit with me?”

Josh considered his request. “Will there be anyone else there?”

“Nope. I don’t have friends.”

“Alright, sure.”

Yes!

Tyler watched as Josh slung his backpack over his shoulders and worked himself out of his chair. The harsh angle and his lack of crutches made it a bit difficult. He supported himself with one hand on his desk and the other on the one to his left. Once up, he balanced on his legs for a brief moment as he grabbed his crutches, then rested his weight on them with a sigh.

“I hate these desks,” Josh muttered.

“Me too.”

Josh gave him a questioning look. Tyler held up his hand.

“I’m left handed.”

Josh laughed, and it was a beautiful sound.

Josh followed Tyler out of the classroom and down towards the cafeteria. There was a flight of stairs they had to descend, and Tyler paused as Josh made an effort to go down the steps, first lowering his crutches, and then both his legs as one.

“Y’know, we have an elevator here. You can ask for a key—“

“I already have one,” Josh said. “I don’t want to use it.”

“Why not? It’s way easier. You look like you’re having a hard time, no offense.”

Josh sighed. “I don’t want to feel like I can’t do anything, you know?” Josh said, reaching the bottom of the first half and turning to descend down the second. “It’s actually better that I be in a wheelchair, but I still want to be able to walk and stuff. They look down on you more, literally and metaphorically—when you’re using a wheelchair. My therapists say I should be myself and not force myself to meet some impossible standard to make others like me more, but that’s a load of bull. It’s easy for them to say it when it’s not them. Humans are—humans are social creatures. We need each other’s approval.”

They finally reached the bottom of the steps. By now Tyler was just sad.

“But whatever," Josh said. "People have good intentions. So do you buy lunch at school? I brought my own lunch.”

He smiled at Tyler. Tyler couldn't help but feel like it was a cover.

At least Josh was nice. Quiet, but kind. And honestly, very fucking hilarious.

Josh was in the middle of recounting the time he got stuck in a waterslide at the water park because he got scared and tucked up his legs.

“They—“ he couldn’t continue on account of his laughter, his shoulders heaving as he collapsed onto the bench. “They had to close down the entire attraction while they got me out, butt-first. It took ‘em like fifteen minutes and I was crying the whole time.”

“Were you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I was, and I was pretty terrified the whole time, but in hindsight, it was pretty funny.”

“Laughing makes it easier.”

“Deep.”

Josh had a smile that he couldn’t take his eyes off of, one that didn’t seem to match his reserved demeanor. He showed off all his teeth, smiling so wide that his eyes seemed to disappear, and sometimes, if he was laughing when he smiled, Tyler could spot the pink tip of his tongue poking out from between his perfect incisors (Tyler absently wondered if he had braces when he was younger).

“So, Tyler,” Josh said, picking at his sandwich. “How’s Columbus? I moved in a few months ago, but I never really went out much and I still haven’t seen most of the city.”

“Well, uh, it’s a lot smaller than L.A., I can say that for sure. It’s really nice in the winter, when it snows. The potholes are horrible. It’s pretty safe, but sometimes the people here are kinda, uh, racist and homophobic and stuff. So don’t talk to them about that, especially if you’re at a Wal-Mart. I can’t say that we have as much exciting things here as there probably was in L.A., but it’s—it’s nice.”

Josh nodded, absorbing what Tyler had said. “We—my family drove over here, instead of taking a plane. All I can say is that Ohio probably won’t be as boring as Kansas. I never want to see corn again.”

Tyler smiled and took a sip of his apple juice. It was overly sweet and burned his throat.

“Uh, Josh? We do a lot of group work in Ms. Picari’s class. I can’t say that I’m as good at science as you are, but do you want to work with me for the year?”

“Is this a pity thing or—“

“No! No, not at all. It’s just that I have a hard time finding people who want to work with me and I decided that I could just kinda leech off of your smarts before you get the opportunity to make friends and become the most popular guy in school.”

“You’re not a leech at all. I’m glad you reached out to me, y’know. No offense, but sometimes it feels like half these kids have never seen a disabled person.”

“Ugh, yeah. It’s a private school and all, a lot of us have known each other since kindergarten.”

Tyler shuddered at the thought of how some of his old classmates acted back in elementary. “Sometimes we get new people, but it’s more or less the same. You’re the first person who came in from out of state in a long time, did you know that?”

“Wow, now I feel really feel at home.”

“Don’t worry. People here’ll warm up to you.”

“I hope so.”

* * *

At home, Tyler stared at his four walls and ceiling. He liked Josh, a lot. He wasn’t sure if he liked him as a friend or as a boyfriend. The fact that he was bisexual didn’t bother him at all, save for the suspicions of his schoolmates, but his only concern was whether Josh liked men or not. If he did, he was sure he wouldn’t hide it. Los Angeles was a liberal place.

He’d just have to wait and see.

Tyler sighed and collapsed onto his bed, head turned to stare at the wall he had dedicated to his drawings. They weren’t masterfully done, just simple drawings that he had done in his spare time and taken pride in. There were a collection of landscapes and still lifes, but the largest one, the one had spent the most time making, was a large watercolor painting of a white silk moth, wings spread as it rested on a vaguely flesh-colored surface.

The moth had died years ago, but he still felt a small twinge of sadness whenever he paused to look at the painting. He had been a lonely kid. He still was, if he was going to be honest with himself. He didn’t realize that at the time. Befriending the moth and pretending that it talked to him had been the ultimate show of his desperation to connect, but to his seven-year-old self, Josh was his best friend who had happened to be a moth.

He realized that Josh the moth and Josh Dun had the same name. Funny. Maybe his younger self had some sort of premonition about this.

Hopefully Josh Dun wouldn’t end up crushed under Marvin’s shoe, too.

* * *

Josh couldn’t participate in PE. He was still required to change and stay in the gym, but he couldn’t work on any of his other work, which everyone, including the gym teacher, thought was ridiculous. Still, the rules were the rules. Tyler raced back and forth on the court, playing basketball as Josh languished on the bleachers, braces clutching his bare legs, crutches by his side.

“Tyler! Pass the fucking ball already, fuckin' faggot!”

Tyler tore his eyes away from the bleachers and back towards the game. Ginny smacked Marvin’s arm for using that word, but Tyler ignored it and passed the ball to one of his teammates. He didn’t have time to get offended.

Josh was allowed to leave to change earlier than the rest of the class. He was waiting for Tyler in the locker room, shirtless. Tyler averted his gaze from his bare chest.

“Hey, Josh,” Tyler said, pulling off his sweat-soaked shirt. It had been a good game, name-calling aside.

“Hi, Tyler,” Josh said, pulling on his sweater. “You know, I hate to say this, but Marvin’s kind of a dick.”

Tyler laughed. “He’s an okay guy. He’s just a bit ignorant.”

“He called you a—“ He waved his hands, not wanting to say the word aloud.

“Oh, I know. I’ve just learned to ignore him. He was always like that. There’s not much else I can do, anyways.”

“Doesn’t it bother you? Are you even--”

“I’m bi,” Tyler said. “He doesn’t know that though, and neither does anyone else.”

Tyler looked around, making sure no one heard his sudden admission. Jeez, he just outed himself to someone he’d known for about two weeks. Well, he had to know.

“Oh, really? Me too.”

The admission was casual and comfortable. Tyler’s eyes widened, and Josh gave him a small smile.

“See? There’s more of us than we think.”

“Nice.”

Tyler was elated. So he _did_ have a chance, no matter how small. Josh seemed to think he was a decent person, and maybe that would be enough.

“Hey, Tyler?”

“Hmm?”

"We need to go.”

Everyone else had finished changing, and the locker room was empty save for them.

“Oh.”

Josh invited Tyler over to his house for a sleepover later that week. It was childish, but neither of them cared. Sleepovers were fun, not that Tyler knew that firsthand.

Josh’s house was like every other house in Columbus: two stories, painted white, and plain. Unlike most houses in Columbus, however, there was a little jelly bean-shaped swimming pool installed in the patio.

“Nice pool,” Tyler said.

“Thanks. You wanna swim?”

“Sure.”

Swimming with Josh was a bad idea, because Josh was wet and not wearing a shirt and also swam horrendously close to Tyler at all times, his wet skin slick against Tyler's as his arms, his legs, his chest brushed over him as he swam. Despite not being able to walk, Josh could swim circles around Tyler, graceful and swift and silent. He also had this horrible habit of diving beneath the water and grabbing Tyler’s ankles when he wasn’t paying attention. Tyler shrieked embarrassingly loud and nearly leapt clean out of the water. Josh surfaced and gave him the most horrible grin, and did it again not five minutes later.

Tyler was angry until Josh turned around and he noticed that his freckles extended to his shoulders and back. Oh, God.

They went inside and dried off after about an hour. Josh had showered before Tyler and was waiting in the living room, setting up his GameCube on the sofa. Tyler, warm and hair freshly dried, looked around his dwelling. Dozens of photos of family were hanging on the walls, many of them faded with age from the bright California sun. Tyler inspected a family photo set on the mantel. It was old, old enough that Josh was only about seven and his younger siblings not more than toddlers and babies. They were at the beach, posing in front of a pier, and Tyler could see a Ferris wheel and a roller coaster in the background. Josh stood in between his mother and father, one leg kicked high in the air, arms stretched out towards his parents’ shoulders.

“I like that picture too,” Josh said. He wasn't looking at Tyler.

“When was that one?” he asked.

“Uh, 2004. Late summer, at Santa Monica. I hurt my legs a week after that.”

“Really?” he asked casually.

Josh was about to open up to him and Tyler didn’t want to push too hard and scare him away.

“Yeah. People are pretty shitty drivers in L.A. I got hit by a car when I was on my bike. I actually don’t remember it very well. I just remember laying on the ground for a long time because the driver didn’t stop to help.”

“That’s awful,” Tyler said, taking a seat next to Josh. Josh shrugged and started going through the gaming menu.

“Hit-and-runs are pretty common. Eventually someone called an ambulance and took me to the hospital. I don’t remember that part, ‘cause I passed out before then. I woke up in the Children’s Hospital and the doctors told me what happened. I broke my back and they had to do some surgery on it on top of fixing my other broken bones. The nerve injury wasn’t complete, so I can still move my legs a little, as you probably noticed. But I can’t walk on my own. I’ve been taking physical therapy and stuff ever since, but it won’t fix everything, obviously.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Tyler said. “and thanks for telling me about it. You didn’t have to.”

Josh nodded. “My therapist—the one for the mind, not my legs—said that I should try to accept it by telling other people about what happened. So it’ll feel more normal and I won’t get depressed from it.”

“Is it working?”

He shrugged. “I guess. It could always be worse.”

“And thank God it wasn’t,” Tyler said, trying to make him feel better.

“That’s a good way to think.”

Josh waved the controller at Tyler. “Mario Kart?”

“Sure.”

Josh was incredible at Mario Kart. Terrifyingly good. Maybe Tyler was just used to being able to beat his younger siblings. Princess Peach’s avatar mocked him as she out-maneuvered Toad on Rainbow Road, and Tyler’s avatar fell off the side into oblivion.

“Dangit!”

Josh gave him a mischievous grin, cat-like. “I can go easy on you, if you want.”

“No way, I’ve got this. I’m not letting you beat me.”

“Out of three. Loser gets us more Red Bull from the fridge,” Josh challenged.

“No, I’ll get it—“ Tyler began to say, but Josh cut him off with a look.

“I can handle myself, Tyler, don’t worry,” he said. His voice was kind, but Tyler suspected he had offended him.

“Sorry. I won’t do that.”

“It’s no problem.”

Josh ended up losing (definitely on purpose) and brought the extra cans of soda tucked under his arm. He dumped them on Tyler’s lap. He promptly cracked one open and chugged half its bubbly contents in a single gulp.

“Man,” Tyler said. “We’re not gonna be able to sleep, aren’t we?”

Josh burped. “Nope. What time is it?”

Tyler checked his watch. “Nine.”

“Shit. Well, whatever, it’s a Friday. Jordan and Abby won’t mind. If they do, we’ll give ‘em Red Bull.”

“Nice.”

Eventually Ashley, the youngest sibling, came downstairs to complain about their noise. Tyler and Josh looked at each other and shrugged.

“We’ve been sitting here long enough anyways,” Tyler said.

“We’ll just hang out in my room.”

There was a lift installed on the stairs, meant to attach to a wheelchair and guide the user upstairs, but Josh didn’t use it. He went up the stairs in his crutches, stubborn as he always was.

The wheelchair Josh never used was in his room, folded and tucked into a corner. Josh collapsed onto his bed, sighing and staring up at the ceiling.

“Ugh. What do you wanna do?” he asked.

Tyler shrugged. “I dunno. Whatever you want to do.”

“Let’s just talk, then. Come here, lay down next to me.”

Josh’s bed was softer than his own, and his sheets were fluffy and smelled of a different detergent than the one he used.

“So,” Josh said. “You’re bi.”

Tyler had no idea where this was going. A tiny, crazy part of him suggested that Josh was going to make a move, but the rest of him knew that wasn’t going to happen.

“Yes.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“Yeah. My family knows. They’re not totally happy but they never kicked me out or anything. They don’t talk about it. They’re just hoping I end up with a girl.”

“That’s still bad.”

“Eh.”

“My parents are fine with it,” Josh said. “I told them as soon as I found out. They showed me that the Bible was okay with stuff like that so I wouldn’t worry.”

Tyler turned to look at him, curious. “It is?”

“Yeah. David and Johnathan? That centurion and his servant? Ruth and Naomi? Yeah. There’s more, but those are the ones I could name off the top of my head.”

“Huh. That’s nice to know.”

“It is. I just wanted to know what you thought of yourself, you know? I know a lot of people feel some sort of guilt about it.”

“Only a little.”

“That’s good. You ever date a guy?”

Tyler snorted. “I’ve never even dated a girl.”

“Seriously?”

“I don’t really put myself out there. Probably because I don’t like anyone here.”

“As in not romantically interested, or as in ‘I hate them’?”

“Both.”

Josh turned his head to look at him, his eyes confused. “Why do you hate them?”

“Uh, it’s kind of a stupid reason.”

Josh smiled, eyes crinkling until they were just bright points of light in his face. “Those are the best.”

Tyler gave an awkward chuckle. “It was in second grade. You know how in every elementary school class, there’s the mean kid, and the smart kid, and the one that’s always really dirty and playing with bugs? I was the bug kid.”

Josh looked him up and down. “Yeah, I can see that.”

“That’s rude. So, at the beginning of the year, I found this silk moth in my house. I have no idea how it got in there, since they can’t fly, and I don’t know anyone in the neighborhood who raises them. But anyways, I found it, and I pretended that it could talk to me and stuff. I named it—uh, I named it Josh.”

Josh laughed again. “Really?”

“Yeah. I know, it’s weird now that I have two Joshes. But anyways, I decided that I would take it to school with me, which was obviously a bad idea because kids are really weird about bugs. I put it in a jar but my teacher took it because I was attracting too much attention. Then she accidentally knocked it off her desk and Josh got out. The whole class was freaking out, and eventually Marvin—the same one as our Marvin—killed it to impress Ginny.”

Josh frowned. “That sucks. It wasn’t hurting anyone, or at least I don’t think it was.”

“It wasn’t. Domestic silk moths can’t fly. They don’t even have mouths. And they just _killed_ him.”

Tyler realized that his voice was getting tight. He wasn’t going to cry about his pet in front of his friend. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just never got over it. Every time I see them I just think of that. I really liked that moth. I cried for, like, an hour that day. It’s nowhere near as serious as what happened to you, but.”

“No, no, I understand. I didn’t have any pets growing up, but kids get attached to little things. There’s nothing weird about getting attached, or missing them. Thanks for sharing that one with me.”

“Yeah. Sometimes I see them kill an insect and I just feel sick to my stomach. They’re all alive. I don’t care how gross people might think they are. They’re very important for our ecosystem anyways.”

Josh looked at him, brows furrowed in thought. “You ever thought about being a biologist, Tyler? You seem to like bugs a lot.”

“I failed Bio. Twice.”

“Oh. Well, I actually wasn’t too good at math. It’s all just practice. You should get into that.”

“I guess.”

The moon eventually came into view from a window. Josh craned his head and looked up at it, wonderstruck. The silver disc reflected in his eyes and made them seem to glow.

“The moon looks nice tonight, doesn’t it?” Josh asked, and he stretched out a hand above him, as if he wanted to reach out and touch it.

“Yeah,” Tyler said.

“I know the moon’s just reflecting light from the Sun, but it’s almost like it makes its own light. The sun’s just too _golden_ to make a light like that. It’s magical. I don’t know if it’s just me, but the Moon just. Calls me.”

“Is that why you want to become an astronaut?” Tyler asked.

“Actually, yeah,” Josh admitted. “I just want to go up there and see all those bright and beautiful lights up close. I feel like I’d be at home there.”

That was… oddly poignant. Something strange and tender bloomed in Tyler for a brief moment, and for the first time in eight years, he didn't crush it. It was safe for it to grow, next to Josh.

They talked for a long time. Tyler’s throat went dry and sore from speaking so much, and his eyes stuck shut whenever he blinked. Still, he didn’t want to go to sleep. He enjoyed talking to Josh. Probably more than anyone else he had met at school. Years and years of loneliness seemed to wash away.

They fell asleep like that sometime between midnight and three.


	3. INTERMISSION

The moth hovered in the air. It could see its crushed body on the floor being wiped away by a sheet of tissue.

Then it noticed the boy on the ground. He was the one that had found it on the windowsill. He was crying uncontrollably, a larger person, his teacher, hovering above him and smoothing a comforting hand on his shoulders, which didn’t seem to console him.

The boy was kind. The boy was gentle. That made him special. It was only a moth, but he had given it a name, a home, and gave it love, something the moth had never known in its entire life. Humans were certainly strange beings, but there was a tenderness that could be found in some of them that was truly admirable.

Now it was no longer a moth. Now it could be anything it pleased. There were several acorns hanging from the oaks outside that were ready for habitation, though there was little chance of them taking root and growing. Autumn was a tricky time.

The moth thought about the boy again. Its remains had been discarded of and the boy had trudged back to his assigned seat, moping. Something alien but not unpleasant bloomed inside of it. Was this the love that humans talked about? It could not remember ever being one, so it wasn't sure. The feeling spurred the moth to comfort the boy, though it had never had a concept of comfort until now. It fluttered down, resting on his shoulder and tickling its ghostly antennae on his cheek. Being immaterial, the boy could not feel it, but it would have to do.

The boy was lonely, something that most humans felt at some point in their lives. Moths did not feel lonely, though they did long for mates with which they could complete their life cycles through procreation. The moth assumed loneliness felt something like that.

He wanted to see this boy again. He wanted to comfort him, viscerally, with human words and human touches that made them feel better when they felt that strange loneliness. But how?

There was a way. It was a very strange way, and a way that very few souls chose to use, but there was one. The moth’s spirit took one last glimpse at the boy before gliding out of the room, searching for a freshly deceased body.

Being free of a physical body was quite liberating. It could move from place to place almost instantaneously, being immaterial and nothing more than a mass of loosely concentrated energy. It flickered across the continent, searching for the perfect body; human, a boy, about eight years old.

It found one after a week of searching tirelessly. Many deaths occurred in human hospitals, and the one near the ocean seemed to be full of children the same age as the boy. Strangely-dressed adults wheeled little corpses back and forth on rolling tables, their souls seeping from their bodies and passing it as they searched for a new body to inhabit. None of them were right; some too old, some too young, some still alive and others too long dead.

It waited for another week, watching the juvenile humans give up their souls. It was not sad. As a spirit, the moth understood the greater scheme of life and the processes that allowed it to function and continue. All things died. All things lived. No amount of grief or joy could change that.

Except it could, just this once.

The perfect body arrived. It was a young boy, the same age as the moth’s boy, with black curly hair and pale skin and a broken back with legs that twisted all the wrong directions. The green-clad humans cut him open in an attempt to see if they could fix what was broken, but they had failed. Their panic and the small little soul rushing from his body told it that the little boy was dead.

The moth watched as his soul flew out the window in search of a new body, promptly landing in the stomach of a pregnant stray cat hiding under the dumpster in the hospital's parking lot. It was safe and secure, leaving behind a body ripe for the taking.

The moth hesitated. It didn’t know why it wanted to do this. It could just as easily move on and become a squirrel, a finch, a fungus. Reentering a body that was so badly mangled would mean nothing but pain. Jumping from being a moth to an entire human would take immense amounts of growth. There would be memories that would not belong to it that it would have to suddenly claim. There would be an identity left behind for it to fill.

It looked at the humans sending pulses of electricity into the little boy’s chest in an attempt to restart his heart. It saw his parents waiting in another room, clutching each other and the rest of their brood in fear. It looked back all the way across the continent and saw the little boy crying in his bed.

Now it knew why it wanted to do this.

The spirit steeled itself and began to sink, landing in the boy’s corpse and settling in like a stone landing in the muck at the bottom of a river. There was anesthesia to dull the pain of the injury and surgery, and as the moth (no longer a moth) settled into the boy’s cooling brain, the little machine that monitored the boy’s heart rate began to beep again. It could hear the people (called _doctors_ , the boy’s memory supplied), cheering in celebration of a life saved, but the spirit ignored it. It began the long task of settling into every nook and cranny and cell of the boy’s body, trying to acquaint itself with the new, larger form.

It could feel its experience as a moth slipping away as it connected itself to the boy, and the spirit couldn’t help but feel a sense of loss as each memory was lost. It trusted, however, that it would remember just enough for it to find the boy again.

It took several hours after the surgery ended for the spirit (no longer a spirit) to finish connecting itself to the boy’s body.

The boy woke up in a daze of drugs, remembering a bicycle, a car, and the faintest flutter of flightless wings.


	4. 2004 (PART II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some homophobic language in the final scenes.

Tyler was sure of it by the time fall swept over the city. He was definitely in love with Josh. He was a little worried that it was just a result of his loneliness, his brain latching on to the first person who showed him kindness. But then he saw Josh’s smile and his soft heart and his strong arms and the way his feet folded outwards just the tiniest bit when he stood, and he ignored his worries.

Josh played the drums. He had picked it up when he was young to help strengthen his arms. By now he was pretty good. He practiced in his garage. Tyler brought along his keyboard, the one his mother had bought him when he was twelve. They weren’t doing anything organized. Tyler just plinked and Josh just tapped.

“Homecoming’s coming up,” Tyler said offhandedly. “Are you thinking about going?”

“Eh, I dunno,” Josh said, flipping a drumstick in his hand. His NASA worksheets were balanced on his snare drum. “I never really did dances.”

“Because you don’t like dancing or because you don’t feel comfortable there?”

“I just don’t have that much school spirit, coming from living in a big city and all.”

“Hmm.”

“Why, were you gonna ask me?”

Well, that was forward. Tyler actually wasn’t sure if he wanted to go with him, or even go at all.

“Do you have anyone else in mind?” Tyler countered.

“Nope,” Josh said. “I wasn’t even thinking of going. Would you mind if you went with me?”

Now Tyler had a bigger question to ask.

“As friends or as a date?” he asked.

“Whatever you want.”

Dear God.

“As friends,” Tyler eventually said, trying to seem casual.

“Your parents won’t mind, right?” Josh asked.

“No,” Tyler said, though he knew they would. “So… are we doing this?”

“I guess.”

They sat at their respective instruments, staring awkwardly at each other.

“We can buy tickets tomorrow,” Tyler said slowly.

“Yeah. It’s on the twenty-seventh, right?”

“Yeah. You have a suit?”

“No, but I’ll rent one.”

“Cool.”

Tyler didn’t know how he was going to tell his parents that he had asked another guy to homecoming. He’d have to at some point, but he wanted to avoid their disappointment for as long as possible. Actually going to homecoming was going to be awful, too. He didn’t know if he was going to dance with Josh, if that was even possible in a traditional sense with his crutches, but showing up with just one other guy wasn’t going to go over well with his classmates. Or many of his teachers.

But he didn’t care. It was 2004. They wouldn’t burn him at the stake or drive him out of town for liking other guys.

The fact that they were going to homecoming didn’t change much between them. They still made fun of the teachers. Marvin still called Tyler names, and Josh as well, especially if they were sitting a little too close to each other. They still watched bad movies and swam in Josh’s pool and went to the mall together.

An afternoon at Tyler’s house did change things.

Tyler had invited him over to work on a Physics project and to have dinner. Josh entered his house, climbed the stairs, went through the hallway, and stopped dead in his tracks outside Tyler’s room.

“Josh?” Tyler asked, looking behind him. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Josh whispered, looking around the room in wonder as he entered. “It’s—it’s…”

“It’s what?”

Josh sat down next to Tyler on his bed, springs squeaking. “I—when I was in my accident,” he began. “I told you how I passed out, right? While I was unconscious, I had a—like a vision. About being in someone’s bedroom. And yours looks exactly like it.”

“Seriously?”

“I know it sounds crazy. But everything’s the same, just moved around a bit. The tree in the window, though it was a little smaller.”

“What happened in that—that vision?”

“When it started, I was outside the house at night, heading for the window. Then I stopped right when I passed the windowsill and I sat there for a while. Then this little kid came to me and picked me up because I’m really tiny for some reason. I just remember looking around the room and crawling around on the kid.”

They looked at each other, utterly baffled. Then Josh’s face changed again.

“You kinda look like him, too,” Josh mused.

“Who? The kid?”

“Yeah. Was your bed on the other side of the room when you were a little kid?” Josh asked.

“Yes. It was.”

Tyler was equal parts curious and terrified. Josh the moth. Josh knowing what Tyler’s room looked like when he was eight. Tyler suddenly remembered the words he pretended Josh had uttered to him in the library.

_Well, when we die, our souls don’t go to Heaven. They go into seeds and into babies. They forget their last lives and make new memories as a new creature._

“Do you remember dying?” Tyler asked slowly.

“Yes, actually.”

“Were you crushed?”

“I think so. All I remember is a big shadow coming over me, and I wake up before it ever happens.”

“Josh, remember what I said about that moth I kept as a kid?”

A beat of understanding tremored through them.

“Is that even possible?” Josh asked.

“I have no idea. But I told you how I imagined that it talked to me, right? It said to me, once, that people don’t die and go to Heaven. They go back into an unborn life and grow from there.”

“But if I am what you think I am, why aren’t I eight years older than you?”

Josh’s brows furrowed, then suddenly shot up into his hairline.

“I died,” he said suddenly. “They said my heart stopped for five minutes during surgery. The brain stops all activity about three minutes without blood.”

“What the _fuck_.”

Josh looked down at himself. “Does that mean I’m dead? How come I can remember stuff from when I was a little kid? Am I still myself?”

His breathing began to come short and shit, he was panicking. Tyler rested a careful hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him.

“Josh? Josh, it’s okay.”

“Really doesn’t feel like it,” Josh admitted, laughing. “I mean, this can’t be a coincidence. The moth died when you were eight, that was around the same time I got in that accident and died. The dreams—the things the moth said to you.”

“I know,” Tyler said. “I can’t believe it myself. Do you remember anything else from back then?”

“Not much,” Josh said. “Just a feeling. I saw the kid– I saw you, and I was _happy_. I don’t know if it was the moth or it was me, but I just remember feeling happy. Like I knew your intentions and loved you.”

Josh’s voice broke at the last few words. Tyler’s hand shifted across his back, wrapping him in a one-armed embrace. He didn’t know if he was overstepping a boundary or not, but Josh leaned into it.

Loved him. _Loved him_. Josh, every iteration of him, loved Tyler. It was impossible, but Josh had come back, humbly victorious like the Sun burning away each and every night.

“That’s why I was so drawn to you,” Josh continued. “I didn’t realize why until just now, but I saw you and you were like the Moon. Just as bright. Just as familiar. Everything I wanted to be close to.”

Josh’s arms came around to wrap around Tyler’s body, and now they were hugging for real.

Tyler didn’t know what to do with this knowledge. Maybe he didn’t have to do anything but accept it.

Tyler breathed in deep, smelling his skin, laundry detergent, and white, powdery wings.

* * *

Homecoming was here. Tyler nervously adjusted his tie. It was his father’s and still a little too long for him. He tucked the end into his blazer and hoped no one noticed the awkwardness.

He pinned his boutonniere to his jacket. The small Phalaenopsis was white and plain, the faintest hints of green veins tracing through the thick, spongy petals.

“All ready?” his father asked. They had not offered to take pictures and Tyler didn’t want to ask for them. They weren’t happy about who he had chosen to go with, but Tyler didn’t want to think about that right now. He just wanted to be at the dance with Josh and have a good time.

“Yeah.”

He sat in the back seat as his father drove. They didn’t say a word the whole way there.

“Have fun,” he finally said before speeding off. Tyler tried to fight off the frown growing on his face as he turned to face the school, lit up and decorated for the night. It was cheesy, but that was the charm of high school dances.

 _You’re here to have a good time_ , he reminded himself as he scanned the area for Josh.

He spotted Josh leaning on the rail that lined each side of the stairs leading up to the school, looking a bit anxious as couple after couple passed him, arm in arm.

“Josh!” Tyler called, waving.

Josh spotted him, a large smile growing on his face. He got off the rail and walked to him.

“Hey, Tyler,” Josh said. He looked Tyler up and down. “You’re looking good.”

“Thanks. You too.”

Josh’s suit fit him well, better than what Tyler would have expected from a rented suit. He had forgone a regular tie in exchange for a bowtie, crookedly done like he had waved off his parents and insisted on doing it himself. His boutonniere was pinned neatly to his lapel, matching Tyler’s. The braces on his legs wrapped around his slacks and the silver of his crutches reflected the bright lights flooding from the school. There had been an attempt to style his hair with gel, but he had obviously given up on it and had run his hands through it, releasing his curls. Tyler thought he looked better that way.

“Shall we enter?” Tyler asked, mock-bowing.

“Of course, my lord.”

They went up the stairs together.

The gym where the dance was hosted was loud and crowded and stank of cleaner. Ah, high school. The bleachers were folded out and were occupied by those who weren’t dancing. They looked around and realized that they were a little overdressed in their suits. Most girls wore a knee-length dress and the boys wore no jacket with their shirts and ties. Oh. Whoops.

They looked each other and started laughing.

“Whatever,” Tyler said. “We look good.”

They ended up sitting on the bleachers. Overplayed pop songs blasted from the speakers and Tyler tapped his foot along to Avril Lavigne as her voice echoed harshly in the gym.

A few of his classmates noticed him, and then noticed that he wasn’t with a girl. And then noticed that the not-girl he was with was Josh. A jolt of panic coursed through his chest as people kept glancing over the shoulders of their dates, especially when Marvin and his pals took notice. Tyler wondered if he was sitting too close to Josh, and then cast out that thought from his mind when he reminded himself that he wanted to be here with Josh, regardless of who cared. He was here to have a good time.

A slow song came on.

“Hey, Tyler,” Josh asked, nudging Tyler. “Do you want to dance? Just for fun.”

Tyler knew that Josh was trying to prove a point to everyone else here, but frankly, so was Tyler.

“Heck yeah.”

It was a little bit difficult and awkward with Josh’s crutches getting in the way and busying his arms, but they could sway together, Tyler’s arms around his shoulders like a strange hug. They stayed near the edge of the crowd to stay out of the way. None of the chaperones said anything about the overly-close contact.

“So, are we here as friends?” Tyler asked, wondering if Josh was okay with this.

“If you want to be.”

“That’s not really an answer. What do you want it to be?”

“I’d—“ Josh ducked his head, suddenly shy. “I’d like us to be. Partners. Would that be okay with you?”

“Yes!” Tyler said, elated. “A thousand times, yes.”

Josh giggled. “I’m glad I asked, then.”

“Me too.”

Was Tyler supposed to do something now? Hug him? Kiss him? Announce it to the world?

“So does this change anything?” Tyler asked. “Like. What do we do now that we’re partners?”

Josh shrugged. “We just do what we want. I mean, you’re a guy and I was a moth, I don’t think the regular rules apply to us anymore.”

“Huh. True.”

Blue and pink lights swirled over them, painting Josh all sorts of strange colors. His eyes looked pure black in the low light.

“Does this feel weird?” Josh asked. “Taking your childhood pet out to a dance?”

“You’re a person, Josh. All souls are the same.”

“I guess so.”

The song ended, the lights changed, and now a fast song began, the atmosphere quickly shifting. Josh wasn’t able to keep up and Tyler didn’t want to. It felt very stuffy inside.

“Hey, Josh, you wanna go outside for a breather?” Tyler asked.

“It’s a full moon tonight, isn’t it?” Josh asked.

“I think so, yeah.”

“Sure, if it’s allowed.”

They weren’t alone outside. Several other couples were sitting on the empty benches in the courtyard. Many were kissing with a terrifying amount of tongue. Tyler and Josh claimed one of the brick walls that made up the gym. They leaned against it, staring at the full moon rising in the purple sky. The last stubborn crickets clinging to the last dregs of summer sang feebly.

“It’s a nice night,” Josh said. “Thanks for being willing to go with me.”

“Of course, Josh. You’re my best friend.”

“After only, like, what, three months?”

“Yeah. I’m a lonely guy.”

“Well, I am, too.”

“Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you really believe the whole moth thing?”

Josh turned to look at him, solemn. “There’s no evidence against it.”

“You’re okay with that being true? Doesn’t it scare you?”

“It does scare me,” Josh said. “I mean, discovering that reincarnation is real and that I, that being whatever entity gives me life, isn’t the one I was born with, is pretty scary if you ask me.”

Josh paused to shift his weight on his crutches.

“But things make more sense now that I know. I always wondered about what I saw while I was unconscious. Why I was so drawn to the night, and to you. Being scared is worth it.”

Tyler’s heart was hammering a mile a minute and he had no idea why, pinned under a gaze that held nothing but kindness. His palms sweated and he chewed his lips, thinking of what to do or say next.

His body decided for him as he surged forward and captured Josh’s lips in a kiss.

There was the wet taste of Josh’s mouth. There was the faintest scratch of sparse stubble on his cheeks as Tyler held his face. There was Josh’s nose pressing into his cheek. There was the warm metal ring pressing into his lips, the heat that radiated off of his body through his suit. There was his own heart, threatening to beat right out of his chest.

They pulled back and stared, faces hardly a breath apart. Josh’s eyes were wide with something wonderful and Tyler was panting slightly.

“How was that?” Tyler asked, hands sliding from his cheeks onto his shoulders.

“ _Good_ ,” Josh whispered, and he kissed him again, leaning forward on his crutches to get closer to Tyler.

Neither of them knew what they were doing. Tyler had never kissed anyone before and it seemed that Josh hadn’t, either. But that didn’t matter. They were together.

Together was suddenly interrupted by a muffled curse. They pulled back in surprise and opened their eyes. There was Louis, one of Marvin’s closest friends, and his date, Mara. They hadn’t stopped to stare, but Louis’s exclamation of surprise had attracted attention from the others outside with them. Tyler wiped his mouth and stared in horror at the couples who were now openly gawking at them. How long had they been kissing to get caught like that? Louis was headed back inside for the gym, where he would no doubt spread the word of Tyler and Josh’s tryst.

“Shit,” Josh cursed, knuckles tightening around the handles of his crutches. “Shit.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry for doing that—“

“Don’t apologize for that, Tyler,” Josh cut in. “It’s them who has a problem with us, not the other way around.”

“Josh, you don’t really understand. I don’t know what these guys are gonna do. Ohio—it’s not like L.A.”

“I know it’s not,” Josh said, horribly earnest. “But I’m not taking it lying down. Let them say what they want.”

They were both shy, but Josh was the only one who had courage. Tyler was equal parts envious, admiring, and terrified of what it would bring.

“Yeah, well maybe I don’t want them to. Listen, maybe we should just go home.”

Josh seemed to soften when he realized that Tyler was scared out of his wits. He sighed and leaned on his crutches. “Sorry for getting rash there. You’re right, it’s not like L.A. Starting a fight wouldn’t be smart. You know this place better than I do.”

He cleared his throat. “We can hang out at my place, since we’re just about walking distance.”

“Don’t apologize for the anger,” Tyler said. “I wish I was as brave as you. I’m sorry for ruining your night.”

“You didn’t ruin it, Tyler. Not at all. And at least our first homecoming’ll be memorable, right? I mean, everyone else is just. Here.”

“You’re right. Are you sure you’re just fine with leaving? We can stay.”

“Yeah, I mean, we’ve been here for about an hour and a half already. The dance is gonna be over soon. My flowers are wilting.”

Josh flicked a wrinkled petal.

“Alright,” Tyler said. “Thanks for tonight. I don’t regret it.”

Tyler risked hugging Josh, watching everyone stare again from the corner of his eye. Josh gave him a determined look after they pulled away. “Neither do I. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. My bladder’s the size of a walnut. You can wait for me at the front.”

“Sure,” Tyler said, though he had his doubts about letting Josh go alone after what happened. Still, Josh could take care of himself. He let Josh walk away, crutches clicking against the cement as he went back inside.

Tyler stayed outside for a few minutes, thinking as he leaned against the cooling brick wall. He watched the moon climb its way towards the zenith of its orbit, claiming its place as the jewel of the night. His lips still tingled from the kiss and the strange bubbly feeling in his limbs hadn’t yet resided. Josh was the first person and the first guy he’d ever kissed. He was glad that it was him, even if the whole school knew it as well. He loved Josh in a thousand different ways over the years, and he was glad that he could love him like this as well.

Tyler went back inside the gym to exit from the front, sitting on a concrete bench at the front as he waited for Josh.

He waited five minutes. Tyler knew Josh took a while in the bathroom because of his crutches.

He waited ten minutes. Maybe they were out of toilet paper.

He thought about the stares everyone else had given him when they were caught. He thought about Marvin and the others calling him names. He thought about the little moth in the jar back in second grade.

He went back inside and headed for the men’s bathroom.

Through the thumping of the loud music, Tyler could faintly hear the sounds of an argument coming from inside the bathroom.

“Did you do it or not, _Josh_!? Fucking tell me!"

Terrified, Tyler raced in and was greeted by an awful tableau.

There was Josh, pinned to the bathroom floor beneath Marvin's dress shoe, his crutches out of reach on the grimy tile. Several of his friends surrounded them, blocking his view. They all stopped and stared at Tyler when he came in, eyes red with what might be drink. Tyler’s eyes darted between them, trying to figure out what to do.

Marvin acted first. He pressed his foot down harder onto his throat, and Josh's neck made a sickening creak.

“’sup Tyler," he said. "Guess all those rumors about you were true.”

Tyler couldn’t think of a response. His entire head was filled with static. Josh’s hands scrabbled against the ground, trying to grab for his crutches, Marvin's ankle, anything, to no avail. His eyes were becoming glassy and his lips were turning blue. Tyler could see the edges of his bowtie protruding from either side of his foot, and Tyler couldn't tear his eyes away.

“Now, I know this looks bad, me going after a guy who can’t even walk straight. But he proved he could hold his own.”

Marvin licked his lip, and a fresh trickle of blood spilled down his chin. He laughed, and oh, God, he _was_ drunk.

“If it was you that walked in, this would’ve been you.”

“Marvin, please,” Tyler said, finally able to find words. “This is none of your business. Let Josh go and leave us alone.”

Marvin shook his head. “No, no, no, you don’t understand. You see, I know you’ve been trying out for the team. And I know the coach likes you, for whatever reason. But he’s an idiot, because if word ever gets out that there’s a faggot on our team, we’re gonna be destroyed. No one’s ever going to take us seriously anymore.”

Tyler was incredulous. “Are you seriously making this about basketball!?” he shouted.

“Nope,” he said, raising his foot. “This is about right and wrong.”

His foot was in the air, sailing downwards, and for a moment, Tyler was seven, Josh had white wings and black eyes, and he was about to lose his best friend again. But no. No. He was bigger and stronger now and so was Josh, and he found the clarity to leap forward and tackle him to the ground, both of them collapsing painfully to the hard, moist ground.

Tyler’s ears were ringing. Marvin was still beneath him, stunned. Tyler’s free hand had hit his face and blood was trickling from his straight, handsome nose, now bent horrendously out of shape. He hadn’t even heard the crack. Tyler slowly righted himself, stunned and surrounded by a shocked crowd and a crumpled Josh. His mind suddenly came back to him and he knew he had to leave with Josh _now_. There would be hell to pay, but that could be saved for Monday.

“Come on, Josh, we’re getting out of here!”

He got up and darted for the door, Josh collecting his crutches and following, leaving behind a bloodied Marvin and an entire school behind.

Josh was _fast_. He could move pretty quickly in his crutches, matching Tyler’s pace as they rocketed through the gym and out the front door. They didn’t stop until they were several blocks away, coming to a stop at a street corner that was unrecognizable at night.

They stopped, breathing hard. Tyler collapsed to the ground and Josh leaned against a street light.

“Are you okay? What did he say to you?” Tyler asked.

“I'm fine. I don’t remember it exactly. Mostly just stuff about my legs and me being gay and whatever.”

Josh’s voice sounded unusually raspy from the strangling. He had saved him this time, but Tyler knew it would bruise.

“God,” he said. “Did you know that he was the one who killed the moth?”

Josh looked at him. “Seriously?”

Tyler nodded. “Yeah. He was always like this, if it’s any comfort to you.”

“It’s not, but that’s good to know.”

Tyler picked at his boutonniere. The flower had lost several petals in the scuffle, barely hanging on to the pin. He plucked it off and dropped the remnants of the orchid on the sidewalk, pocketing the pin. Josh’s flower was gone altogether.

“Thanks for standing up for me in there,” Josh said. “You were right about Ohio. I always thought I’d be able to fight back if someone ever did that to me, but I guess that was just all talk.”

“I’m sure you’ll get plenty of practice. I think I broke his nose.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. You didn’t see? There was blood everywhere.”

Josh laughed, still slightly out of breath. “Man. We’re so dead.”

“Our principal’s a good guy, though. I’m sure he’ll be willing to bust him if he tries anything on Monday. And if not?”

Tyler raised a brow.

“We can handle ourselves,” Josh finished.

The moon stared down at them from its throne in the sky and seemed to smile. It was full and round enough to outshine the streetlamps, and Josh was cast in a silvery glow.

“So,” Josh said, standing up straight. “My house is just a few blocks away. You wanna just play Mario Kart for the rest of the night?”

“You bet I would,” Tyler said. He followed after Josh. “Best out of three gets to pick a movie?”

Josh turned to grin at him. His teeth glinted and his eyes sparkled.

“It’s on.”

They raced each other back with no intent to win.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed! comments and kudos are greatly appreciated.


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